How Facebook is Turning You Into Your Mother-in-Law

Your Mother-In-Law

My best friend’s mother pretty much summed it up recently when (following a particularly bad round of why-is-everyone-else-getting-married-but-me) she said, “Facebook is the root of all evil.” Clearly, this is an overstatement but it’s true that The Book is helping mold an entire generation of crazies out of the young women of today. Ladies, heed my warning and stop it before it’s too late: Facebook is turning you into your mother-in-law, and here’s how.

Pick, Pick, Pick

So you’ve got a boyfriend. He’s sweet and caring and wonderful, but… you really wish he’d looked a little less chubby in your friend’s “Summer 2010” album where he was tagged 20 or 30 times. Maybe if you just showed him the pictures and pointed out his problem areas he’d realize he’s let himself go a little. NO. Women of the world, whatever you do, don’t let Facebook make you start critiquing your man’s appearance. There’s a fine line between nudging him to give up fried foods and spitting on a tissue to wipe mustard off his face.

No fun for YOU!

When your boyfriend or husband was 19, his mother probably rode him pretty hard about staying out too late and getting a little too “imbibed.” Maybe she thought his friends were bad influences and frequently complained that he didn’t spend enough time at home…sound familiar? When pictures start popping up of your guy making a fool of himself while out on the town with his buds and you turn into ANGRYRAGINGGIRLFRIEND you’re not just pushing him away, you’re acting like his mother. For everyone’s sake, please stop.

Prying Eyes

You find yourself up at 1am, scouring your boyfriend’s photos and trying desperately to guess his password (WorldofWarcraftDude37 was way off). Who is this Shelia and why did she write on his wall and where did that cartoon gift come from and did he de-tag pictures??? Last time you checked he had 437 photos and now there’re only 436… what’s he hiding? Snooping is gross and you wanna know the last time your man was questioned about his personal life within an inch of his sanity? It was when he started dating you and his mother wanted to know everything from your blood type to your SAT score so lay off, Sherlock Holmes.

Begging for Attention

So he doesn’t call you quite as often as you’d like and it would be reallyyyy nice to hear him say “I love you” one more time…this hour. You thought it was a great idea to poke him on Facebook, you know, just to flirt, then follow it up with an innocent wall message (“I luvawub you sugardumpling!”) Now you just look desperate and your lack-of-absence surely isn’t making his heart grow fonder so stop acting like his empty nested mama. He’ll call when he calls and the last thing you should do in the meantime is become a digital version of the Verizon Test Guy.

Public Humiliation = Not the best idea

Do you remember the first time you met his mother and she showed you all those pictures of him in the bathtub, naked and shriveled and sporting a shampoo Mohawk? And do you also remember how embarrassed he was and the death glares he shot in her direction? Yeah, that’s exactly what you’re doing when you post photos of him sleeping in your bed, curled up with your Yorkie or even when you tag him as your ginormous baby bump. It may be unfair but (especially when you’re married) you’re not just representing yourself on Facebook, you’re representing him too so careful what you show the world and subsequently your mother in law. Too Much Information is a national epidemic.

Trying to be “Cool”

You think it’s a great idea to reach out to his friends on the Interwebs – writing on their walls about the football game or even responding to their birthday party requests publicly and proclaiming how “t-totally wasted” you’re all gonna get. In reality, your guy’s buds are his, and he likes it that way so don’t go the direction of the Cool Mom and overstep your boundaries. Try your hardest to just be the Girlfriend None of His Buddies Mind. Less is more, ladies.

Facebook is wonderful and terrible all at the same time, and it’s hard to argue it’s been anything but detrimental to serious relationships. Take it from me, women: if you’ve found a man who’s willing to put up with your compulsive Facebook stalking and general female neediness, don’t drive him away by getting all HAL 2001 on his digital life. If possible, it’s best to forget you’re both on Facebook and focus on your real-life dynamic… Lord knows he’s glad his mother doesn’t have an account. They say men marry their mothers but I say men who marry their mothers should be avoided like the Bubonic Plague. You’re his significant other not his keeper so you stay flirty and carefree, girlfriend, and let his mom fill the role of, well, mom.

One comment

Leave a Reply